Picture a quiet Sunday afternoon. The laundry is done, everyone is healthy, and for once, there doesn’t seem to be anything urgent that needs our attention. Maybe we’re sitting with a cup of coffee, enjoying a little peace and quiet.
And then, out of nowhere, a thought sneaks in.
Things are going pretty well. I wonder what’s going to go wrong.
Sound familiar?
Maybe we’ve just gotten good news from the doctor. Our kids are getting along, work is going well, or we’ve finally had a week without some unexpected expense popping up.
We should be able to enjoy the good news, right? And yet, some of us find ourselves waiting for the other shoe to drop.
We might knock on wood, say “Don’t jinx it!” or start worrying about what could happen next.
It’s a surprisingly common habit. And sometimes, we’ve been doing it for so long that we hardly notice.
If you’re someone who can enjoy a happy moment without worrying about what comes next, that’s wonderful. But for those of us who occasionally find ourselves looking for trouble when everything is going well, there’s an interesting explanation worth exploring.
It has to do with something called our inner happiness thermostat.
What’s an Inner Happiness Thermostat?
We all know what a thermostat does. We set the temperature in our home, and the thermostat works to keep it there.
Let’s say we set it to 68 degrees. If the house gets too warm, the air conditioning kicks on to cool things down. If it gets too cold, the heat comes on. The thermostat keeps bringing the temperature back to whatever we’ve decided feels comfortable.
Some psychologists believe we may do something similar with happiness.
Over time, we can develop an idea of how much happiness, love, peace, or success feels normal to us. When life gets better than we’re used to, we may start feeling uncomfortable, even when there’s no obvious reason to worry. And without realizing it, we might do something that brings us back to the level of happiness we’re familiar with.
Psychologist Gay Hendricks explores this idea in his book The Big Leap. He calls it the Upper Limit Problem.
The basic idea is that sometimes we have trouble accepting more happiness or success than we’re used to experiencing. It’s one way of looking at a familiar human experience, and it can help us recognize habits we might want to change.
Five Ways We Might Turn Down Our Own Happiness
Most of us aren’t deliberately trying to make ourselves unhappy. In fact, we may have worked very hard to create a happier, more peaceful life. But sometimes, when things are going especially well, we fall back into old habits without realizing it.
Here are five ways that can happen.
- We start worrying before there’s anything to worry about.
We get wonderful news, and almost immediately our minds jump to what could go wrong.
Maybe the doctor says everything looks good, but we start wondering whether something was missed. Or we have a great week at work and begin worrying about how long our good luck will last.
Sometimes we tell ourselves we’re just being realistic or prepared. But it’s worth asking whether there’s a real problem to solve, or whether we’re simply uncomfortable because things are going well.
- We have trouble accepting compliments.
Someone tells us we look wonderful, and we immediately point out something wrong with our appearance. A friend compliments something we’ve accomplished, and we respond with, “Oh, it was nothing,” or “I just got lucky.”
Many of us are so quick to brush off a compliment that we barely give ourselves a chance to enjoy it. The next time someone says something kind, we might try a simple “Thank you.” No explanation needed. We can let ourselves enjoy the compliment.
- We create tension when things are peaceful.
Have you ever had one of those wonderful days when everyone is getting along, the house is calm, and life feels pretty good? Then, suddenly, a disagreement over something small turns into a much bigger argument.
Maybe it’s the dishes in the sink, a forgotten errand, or the way someone loaded the dishwasher. Somehow, the dishwasher has become the most important issue facing the family.
Of course, disagreements are a normal part of life. But if we notice ourselves becoming irritated whenever things have been especially peaceful, it might be worth asking why.
- Â We push ourselves until we’re completely worn out.
Maybe we’ve just finished a big project, hosted a wonderful family gathering, or reached a goal we’ve been working toward for months. Instead of taking time to enjoy what we’ve accomplished, we immediately start planning the next thing. Before long, we’re exhausted.
Sometimes we’re simply tired because we’ve worked hard. Our bodies need rest, and there’s nothing unusual about that. But some of us have developed a habit of staying so busy that we rarely give ourselves permission to relax and enjoy what we’ve accomplished. We might find it helpful to plan some rest before we’re completely worn out.
- We hold back our happiness because we don’t want to upset someone else.
Maybe we’ve received a promotion, started a wonderful relationship, or finally booked the vacation we’ve been dreaming about. But instead of sharing our excitement, we keep the news to ourselves.
We might worry that a friend who’s having a difficult time will feel bad. Or perhaps we grew up believing that talking about our accomplishments was showing off. There’s certainly a time to be thoughtful about what others are going through. Kindness matters. But we can care about someone else’s struggles and still be grateful for the good things happening in our own lives.
If we recognize ourselves in any of these examples, there’s no need to judge ourselves. We all develop habits along the way. The helpful part is recognizing which habits may be keeping us from enjoying our lives as fully as we’d like.
Why Our Bodies Sometimes React to Happiness With Worry
For some of us, that feeling of waiting for something bad to happen goes beyond our thoughts.
We might notice our shoulders tightening, our breathing getting shallow, or our stomach feeling uneasy. Even though everything is going well, our bodies seem to be preparing for trouble.
This can be especially familiar to people who’ve lived through long periods of stress, uncertainty, or difficult experiences.
When we’ve had to stay alert for problems in the past, it can take time to feel comfortable relaxing again. Our bodies may have learned that staying prepared helps us feel safer. And while that response may have helped us through difficult times, we might find that we’re still on high alert long after the immediate danger has passed.
One small thing that helps some people is taking a moment to notice when things are going well and allowing themselves to enjoy it.
We might take a slow breath, relax our shoulders, and remind ourselves that, right now, things are okay. We don’t have to convince ourselves that life will always be easy. We can simply give ourselves permission to enjoy a peaceful moment while we’re in it.
Even fifteen seconds of slowing down and appreciating something good can be a place to start.
Why Having More Doesn’t Always Make Us Happier
It’s easy to believe that we’ll finally be able to relax and enjoy life when something changes.
- When we have more money, we’ll stop worrying.
- When the kids are settled, we’ll have some peace.
- When we get through this busy season, we’ll finally enjoy ourselves.
And sometimes those changes really do make life easier. Financial stability, good health, supportive relationships, and having enough time to rest can make a meaningful difference in our well-being.
But many of us have also experienced something interesting.
- We finally get something we’ve wanted for a long time, and after the initial excitement wears off, we find ourselves worrying about something new.
- We get the promotion, and now we’re afraid we won’t do a good enough job.
- We find a wonderful relationship, and suddenly we’re worried about losing it.
- We finally have some financial breathing room, but we still feel anxious every time we spend money.
- Our circumstances have improved, but our old worries are still hanging around.
That’s where the thermostat comparison can be helpful.
If we’ve spent years feeling that happiness or security could disappear at any moment, having more good things in our lives may not immediately change that expectation. Sometimes we need a little practice getting comfortable with the good things we already have.
Where Does Our Happiness Thermostat Come From?
None of us arrived in this world with a set of instructions telling us how much happiness we were allowed to experience. We learned a lot about life from the people around us and from the experiences we’ve had.
Maybe we grew up in a family where money was always tight, and worrying about the next bill became part of everyday life. Perhaps we heard things like:
- “Don’t get your hopes up.”
- “If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
- “Don’t brag about your accomplishments.”
- “Enjoy it while it lasts.”
Often, these messages came from people who loved us and wanted to protect us from disappointment. And sometimes, being careful really was necessary.
But as we grow older, we may discover that some of the beliefs that once helped us feel safe are still influencing how we respond to happiness today.
For example:
- If we learned that celebrating our accomplishments made other people uncomfortable, we might still hesitate to share good news.
- If life has been unpredictable, we may find ourselves worrying even when things are going well.
- And if we’ve struggled with feeling worthy of love or success, accepting kindness and good fortune may take a little practice.
The encouraging part is that learned habits can change. We can appreciate what helped us get through the past while making room for new ways of experiencing life today. And we can enjoy our own happiness while continuing to care deeply about the people around us.
Three Small Ways to Get More Comfortable With Happiness
Changing an old habit doesn’t have to mean making a dramatic change in our lives. Sometimes the most helpful place to begin is with one small thing we can practice. Here are three ideas that may help.
- Notice When We’re Waiting for Something to Go Wrong
The next time something wonderful happens, pay attention to what comes to mind.
- Do we immediately start worrying about how long the good news will last?
- Do we brush off a compliment?
- Do we feel the urge to find something else to worry about?
We don’t have to criticize ourselves for having those thoughts. We can simply notice them. We might even smile and think, There goes my happiness thermostat again. Recognizing a familiar habit gives us a chance to decide whether we want to respond differently.
- Give Ourselves a Moment to Enjoy Something Good
When something nice happens, many of us move on so quickly that we barely have time to appreciate it.
- A friend sends a thoughtful message.Â
- Someone does something kind.Â
- We finish a project we’ve been working on.
Before we know it, we’re thinking about the next thing on our list. Here’s a small experiment we can try.
The next time something good happens:
- Pause for about fifteen seconds.
- Take a slow, comfortable breath.
- Relax our shoulders if we’re feeling tense.
- Think about what just happened and why we’re grateful for it.
That’s all. We can give ourselves a few extra seconds to appreciate a good moment before moving on with our day.
- Practice Accepting a Little More Happiness
We don’t need to change everything at once. What if we simply practiced accepting a little more happiness than we’re used to?
Maybe that means allowing someone to compliment us without explaining why we don’t deserve it. Maybe we share some good news with a friend and allow ourselves to be excited. Or perhaps we spend a peaceful afternoon enjoying our family without worrying about everything that needs to get done tomorrow.
These may seem like small things, but small habits are often easier to practice consistently. And over time, we might discover that we’re becoming more comfortable enjoying the good things in our lives.
We can also help the people we care about practice receiving kindness. If someone we love always brushes off compliments, we can continue offering sincere words of appreciation without expecting them to respond a certain way. Sometimes it just takes a while for kind words to sink in.
Of course, if worry feels constant or makes everyday life difficult, we don’t have to work through it alone. Talking with a counselor or another qualified professional can be a helpful step, especially when past experiences have made it difficult to feel safe or relaxed.
Making More Room for the Good in Our Lives
One of the beautiful things about happiness is that we often get to share it. When someone gives us a compliment and we accept it, we’re also letting that person know their kindness matters. When we share good news with a friend, we’re giving them a chance to celebrate with us.
And when someone we care about is going through a difficult time, we can offer that same kindness and encouragement in return.
At Standing Tall, we’ve seen how much it matters to have people who care, especially during life’s difficult seasons. We believe there’s room in our community for all of life’s experiences. The joyful moments, the hard days, the small victories, and the times when we simply need someone to listen.
That’s part of why Standing Tall exists. We want to help build a community where people feel supported, valued, and connected, whatever they may be going through.
There are many ways to be part of that community. Some of us volunteer our time, offer financial support, share helpful resources, or simply reach out to someone who could use a little encouragement. Even a small act of kindness can mean a great deal to someone else.Â
And perhaps we can extend some of that same kindness to ourselves.
The next time something good happens, what if we let ourselves enjoy it just a little longer?
We don’t have to know what tomorrow will bring to appreciate something wonderful today.
